"Surely,just as I have intended so it has happened,and just as I have planned so it will stand."
-Isaiah 14:24
When Daniel and I married in June of 1985,I did not want children.The thought of raising children frightened me because I would be completely and fully responsible for another human being and shameful to admit,I knew raising children would mean giving so much of my time up for another person.Well,14 years passed and I was quite content with my simple life.I was decorating and gardening and everyday was really about me.The LORD began stirring my heart though,in another direction....His! Up to this point,my relationship with Jesus consisted of Bible study and prayer."But prove yourselves doers of the Word,and not merely hearers who delude themselves."[James 1:22] comes to mind....The LORD began speaking into my heart,the call to adopt...from China, of all places! Daniel always wanted children,so he was excited and felt the LORD speaking to him, as well.But he was a little more uncertain about the 'where' I felt led to go.After much prayer,we started the process.Through the adoption process,which was a little over a year,I would struggle with giving up,myself.It seemed everywhere we went,we would see a little Chinese face in a crowd whether at a restaurant,a shopping mall or a park.The LORD had a hold on me and was NOT letting go.I found my'self' wrestling with the LORD'S plans,which I thought at the time meant turning my perfect world upside down!One day,I was in the Christian bookstore and came upon a book,'The Strength of Mercy' by Jan Beazely. Like the gentle,loving but firm Father that He is,the LORD spoke to me through this book,to let go of 'me' and hold firm to His hand as He proceeded to 'add' to the story of my life.
Can you tell how much I DON'T LIKE change?! Especially when the change means moving out of my comfort zone! I also struggled with the lies from Satan....which came in waves. Lies such as,I wouldn't make a very good mother or,my life would change and I would feel like a prisoner.Thoooose lies! I came across another book from Max Lucado and tucked within it's pages was an encouragement from the LORD...."When we live in our fears,we will look back on our lives and find that we have not lived at all." This quote from Max Lucado set me back on course....for awhile.John 4:18 says,"There is no fear in love;but PERFECT LOVE casts out all fear,because fear involves punishment,and the one who fears is not perfected in love."These words kept me going forward,as I struggled with my flesh and the sin of being self -centered.[What an understatement].
Well,we were just a week from traveling to China and I had a panic attack! Never had one of those,so this was a first and it was a doozy! I felt as if my world was about to be knocked off it's axle and this adoption was going to be the biggest mistake I ever made!Daniel and I drove to a nearby park and he shut off the motor and started reassuring me that everything was in the LORD'S plan.His favor.His blessing.And right from His hand! All I could see was my fear.Paralyzing fear.Dread.....But we went to China later that week.
We met a most wonderful couple, Rusty and Kim Rudasill,who lived in North Carolina[who became our lifelong friends].They too,were adopting for the very first time.We met at the LAX Airport and traveled together to Beijing,China.Once there,we realized our guide was nowhere to be found.Rusty happened to have the name of the hotel we were to stay at, written in Chinese.No one spoke English,so this came in handy to get a shuttle to our hotel.I will never forget looking out the window of the bus and seeing bare trees along the streets,and hundreds of people riding bicycles.There were restaurants with big windows and looking in,we were able to see red lanterns hanging and people eating bowls of noodles with chopsticks,laughing and enjoying their family and friends.The smells were like nothing I ever knew.....No, not the smells of sweet spices, but that of fish and diesel fuel coming from the cars and trucks!Well,on January 12th,2001,we made it to the Sino Swiss Hotel in one piece.
The next morning,I started to panic again.I was struggling with jet lag and still no sign of our guide.The four of us got back to the airport and found our guide waiting for our flight.We were on our way to the interior of China.Our destination? Hefei city.This is where our daughter was born.This is where she was left at the Hefei Orphanage gate.This is where she spent the first 14 months of her little life....
After a 3 hour flight,we found ourselves unpacking in the Holiday Inn,where we would be receiving our daughter shortly.Before we were unpacked,a phone call came through to our room....the orphanage director was waiting in the downstairs conference room with our baby girl.
All the fear and turmoil I had struggled with for over a year began to slip away and excitement took it's place.When entering the conference room,I looked at our daughter and a brand new fear came over me....WHAT IF I HAD NOT OBEYED THE LORD?!?!? What if I had settled for a life that I thought was the good life?To finally see, as I set eyes on this tiny, dark haired, porcelain beauty,that the LORD was trying to give me one of the most precious gifts He could give?! In THAT moment,I knew I would be more quick to obey the LORD at His command,for fear that I would miss out on the gifts that are right from God's own hand!
This is one of Gabby's favorite songs,one of mine too!I will never forget this journey of learning to trust my Heavenly Father with my life.He writes better stories than I ever could dream up for myself.....and the fear of my life changing?UNFOUNDED FEAR!Oh,my life has changed.For the best! My love for Gabriella is so powerful because the love I have for her is PERFECTED through the love of Christ Jesus [who gave up His life at Calvary,
so I too,could be adopted into the family of God].The love for my daughter supersedes any thought of myself.Funny how pure love makes me forget all about my'self'.......
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